


Cafe Nervosa

by Elexica



Series: Elexica does AU-gust 2020 [1]
Category: Frasier (TV), Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: AU-gust 2020, Crack, Gen, I'm so sorry, M/M, and frankly he's only a bit worse than canon!frasier at it, best read in abridged!voices cause, i mean it is, kaiba is a psychiatrist, mokuba is also a psychaitrist, ygocollablove
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25654702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elexica/pseuds/Elexica
Summary: Good morning, Domino!  Dr. Seto Kaiba runs a call-in psychiatry radio show, and whether he wants to or not, he's listening.His sound engineer, Joey Wheeler, unfortunately has to listen too.
Relationships: Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler & Kaiba Seto, Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto, Kaiba Mokuba & Kaiba Seto
Series: Elexica does AU-gust 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860052
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24
Collections: AUgust 2020





	Cafe Nervosa

**Author's Note:**

> Made for the AU-gust 2020 challenge with my fam at YGOCollabLove <3  
> Today's theme was "Fantasy," but I don't like fantasy so I used the "Coffee Shop" joker and ... this happened. 
> 
> I take no credit for the vast majority of the lines, many are ripped directly from Frasier. And I shoved them in the mouth of Seto Kaiba. This is still transformative, I swear, because I honestly don’t think Kelsey Grammar would have thought for even one second that this could exist. 
> 
> Inspired by the fact that these are some of my favorite fictional siblings, and it’s AU-gust. Enjoy the crack, I recommend reading in the abridged voices.
> 
> Just three scenes, but they entertained me, and I hope they entertain you as well.

“Tunneling Electron Microscopes”

The radio station was in the basement of the building, and down a long linoleum-lined hallway, Dr. Kaiba was providing treatment in five-minute increments to the good people of Domino City.

Thick, heavy headphones sunk into his brown hair as he leaned over the microphone. “Tristan, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope.” Kaiba took a deep breath. “Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe.” 

He paused for dramatic effect. 

“Now, Tristan, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call. Who else is on the line, Wheeler?!”

Joey tore his own headphones off and slammed his fist on the glass. “COMMERCIAL!” He mouthed at the psychiatrist.

Kaiba leaned further into the mic, and played up the gravelly nature of his voice. “Ahh, looks like it’s time for a message from our sponsor. In these pressure-packed times, what could be better that a warm, relaxing dip in a Renwood hot tub? Let Renwood's patented Ultra-Blow air system surround your body. My family and friends like it... and you'll like it too. And if you act quickly, you'll receive a complimentary scum guard. So hurry down to your Renwood Hot-tub dealer. Say Dr. Seto Kaiba sent you.” He finished with a wink at Joey through the glass. Joey responded by sticking out his tongue.

“The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?” Kaiba strolled into Joey’s control room, looking to the readings and absently fussing with various knobs. 

Joey handed him a sticky note. “Here, yer brother called.”

Kaiba rolled his eyes, “Joey, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.”

Joey pointed to a random slider. “Did I ever tell you what this little button does?”

Kaiba took a step closer to Joey. “I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?” He smirked and straightened his Hugo Boss tie, waiting for the compliments to flow in.

Joey sighed. “Uhhh… Let's see. Ya dropped two commercials, ya left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, ya scrambled the stations call letters, ya spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry, y’know, the guy with the identity crisis, as ‘Jeff.’”

Kaiba looked at him with a wide-eyed stare before squaring his shoulders. 

“So, Mokuba called?”

“The Café”

Mokuba leaned over the polished oak counter at the café-bookstore. “Double Cappuccino - half-caf, non-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a mustache.” The barista nodded, familiar with the young psychiatrist’s unnecessarily specific order.

Kaiba strode up in his navy tweed suit. “Still traumatizing the staff?”

“I learned from the best,” Mokuba smirked. 

“You did.” Kaiba said, before asking the barista for whatever his brother ordered. “Did you catch today’s show?”

“Yes, of course. I do agree that washing one’s hands thirty times a day could be obsessive compulsive. But since the caller was a coroner, it might not be so crazy.”

“Oh please, given the facts, I think you’re _dead wrong_.” Their matching coffees were set on the bar, and the brothers brought their drinks to an open table near the window.

Mokuba adjusted his sleek black ponytail so that it brushed neatly against his navy Armani suit. “Now, to get to the point of the matter. I called you because I need you to watch Kisara for the weekend while I’m supervising the sex addiction group treatment retreat. You know I can’t leave them alone for very long.”

“Mokuba, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.”

“She’s just a cat, Seto, you’ll be fine. Get that promiscuous call-screener sidekick of yours to help.”

“HEY!” Joey shouted from where he’d been eavesdropping two tables over.

Mokuba shot him a quick, dismissive glance. “I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorder and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags. I’ll drop her off tonight at six.”

“Tonight at Seven”

Kaiba was sitting on his designer, post-modern tan couch. Kisara was a beautiful Persian cat with long with striking light blue eyes that were trained, unblinkingly, on Seto.

“What is it?!” Seto asked the cat, raising his tone to scare the beast away. “Does my head look like a piece of tuna to you?!”

She mutely stared back, as if hypnotized.

He leaned his head back against the couch and he heard the door open. He didn’t even look away from the ceiling, he knew the sound of Joey’s sneakers against the expensive shag carpeting by heart.

“What, did your date not work out?” Kaiba moaned, not looking away from the ceiling.

“No, not really. Nothing happened. The date was going well enough, he was funny, but when we got to my place, we just… hugged.”

“Hugged?” Kaiba leaded up to give him a skeptical look.

Joey mussed his hair. “Yeah.”

“That’s miserable.” Kaiba said. He looked back at Kisara, who was still staring at him with wide eyes. “Though I suppose my night isn’t going better.” 

Joey plopped down on the couch next to Kisara, who didn’t react at all. 

“C’mon, Kaiba! I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.”

Kaiba huffed a mean-spirited laugh, “Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!”

“Kisara thinks you need a hug, Kaiba.” Joey said in a mocking tone.

“I do not. Not from her! And especially not from you.” Kaiba spit, walking into the kitchen. “Pinot?”

**Author's Note:**

> My only apology is that I couldn't work in the quote "Sherry, Mokuba?"


End file.
